Worthy or Not?
by OJSZ
Summary: "I am known all over Narnia as a king now. But a few years back wasn't I a traitor?" Edmund thinks he deserves to die, so tries to kill himself but a certain voice or feature stops him. The only person who had given him strength but is now dead.


**This is my first Fanfic for Narnia, so hope you will like it. Yeah, Edmund is my favourite character. I just tried to bring out his thoughts. Hope you'll like it.**

* * *

Worthy or Not?

How did I become King? Why did I become King? Did Aslan make the right choice? I have faith in him but if he did, what made him think it was right? Do I deserve it? How? I deserve to die not to sit on a throne. These questions keep haunting me. I don't understand this at all. I am known all over Narnia as a king now. But a few years back wasn't I a traitor?

The truth is I don't deserve all this, but I have tried my best to make up for everything. It doesn't make any difference though. I mean, look, everyone tries to compare me to Peter, the High King. But why can't they understand that I am not him and will never be. I am me. The problem with that is that for them 'me' is not what they want. I have given so many decisions, suggestions, fought alongside Peter, sacrificed for him, given my life for him, but all this is always overlooked. The whole of Narnia is always looking up to him for help, thanking him, loving him, while I remain in the shadows.

Some of them still think that I would one day return to _her _but I won't. I have done it once and now I know. But everyone looks at the past. Peter continuously treats me like a child. I am not a child. Susan is always scolding me for the slightest of matters. I am glad that I have at least one ally. Lucy has always given me hope. She has always shown me gratitude and accepted me. I admire her. Her soothing words have always comforted me.

It hurts me when people call me a traitor or mistrust me but I guess it's a price I must pay for what I did. I wish they would have faith in me and trust me just like Aslan did. I thought that perhaps my family had at least accepted me but that hope was destroyed one evening.

* * *

"_Peter, I am just saying that for your own good. These are the Fell Beasts and I know their ways. They can be very dangerous. Please reconsider. I can go instead of you. I want to protect you!" I said desperately._

"_**SHUT UP! **__I don't want to listen to you! You could just be wanting to join them again, who knows. After all you are a traitor. I hate you Edmund! You don't need to protect me! I don't trust you!" Peter shouted._

"_But-" I tried to reason with him pushing aside my hurt feelings due to his words but he cut me off._

"_No buts! I am ashamed to call you my brother!" he said that and left. I just wanted him to be safe but he…_

_I tried to apologize but he ignored me. Later on he tried to apologize himself but how could I know for real that he didn't truly mean all that._

* * *

Whenever I remember him calling me a traitor I wish I could die. But then again that's who I really am, right? I am a traitor in the midst of kings and queens. I don't deserve it. But then again Aslan is the one who made me king, doesn't that mean that he has forgiven me? But have I forgiven myself?

Every night I dream of _her_. She threatens to kill them, to make me kill them. Often I find myself back in that cell. Memories meld with dreams and no matter how much I try to shout or get out I can't.

* * *

_I open my eyes to feel a burning sensation. The cold is cutting through my skin. My hands are bound with ropes that are digging into my skin with my wrists bleeding badly. There are a lot of bruises on my shoulders and back. But now all I want is for my family to be safe. I want to apologize to them, tell them I love them. But I guess that's impossible. Suddenly I hear the door of the cell open and _she _comes in with a smile on her face._

"_Dear Edmund" she coos._

"_I have good news for you. My wolf has found your siblings and I just turned them to stone," she said._

_My eyes widen with terror as tears begin to flow freely. "No. Please no! Release them I beg of you."_

"_Oh dear! I am sorry but that is impossible. Now, now, I came here to give you what you deserve!" With that she comes forward and takes a hold of my hand. She yanks me around and bind my hands again. Out of the corner of my eye I notice the ice whip in her hands and I realize what I am about to go through. "Please!" I mutter. She slides her hand over my cheek. Her hands are so cold that I shudder. "Edmund, you shouldn't fear. You can't be a ruler if you don't bear what you deserve without fear. You know deep down inside that you are a traitor and deserve to be treated this way. You are the cause of Narnia's downfall, of the capture of your siblings. So keep quiet and bear with it! Understood?" I think of all that she said and realize that she is right. I deserve to die. "I asked a question Edmund. HAVE YOU UNDERSTOOD?" she shouts._

_I am startled by her sudden outburst but quickly nod my head in response._

"_Is this a way to speak to a Queen?" she asks._

_I nod my head. "Y-Yes Your Majesty."_

_She withdraws her hand and the next moment I hear the swishing sound of the whip being raised through the air and I feel the pain. I try to cry out but nothing comes out. I hear the malicious laughter of the witch. I begin to mutter apologies, but it doesn't stop._

"_Ed, Ed, wake up! Edmund!" I heard a soft, tender voice calling my name and shaking me._

_I opened my eyes and gasping._

"_It's alright! It's me!"_

_I was delighted to see the sweet face of my sister. Lucy was the only one there for me through all my troubles. She stuck up with me through everything._

"_Do you want to talk to me about it?" she asked._

"_I-I was in the…"_

"_It was _her_ wasn't it?" she sighed._

"_Lucy, it's alright. You should go back to sleep. I am sorry if I woke you up."_

"_Nonsense! I am your sister and I am always there for you."_

"_Lucy?"_

"_Hmm?"_

"_Why did Aslan make me king?" I asked._

"_Because you deserve it, silly. He trusts you and knows you are not a tr-, well you know. I do too!"_

"_I wish Peter, Susan and all of Narnia would feel the same."_

"_But they do! They love you! Really Edmund, and even if you doubt them you should know that Aslan is always with you, guiding you, looking after you. He never leaves us. Seek help from him and you will receive. Plus, do you think my trust is not enough? Come on now, sleep!" She smiles and tucks the covers. Then I find myself welcoming the embrace of sleep._

* * *

I will never forget that night. Lucy is an angel. Truly, she deserves to be a Queen. She is the one who always lightens up a situation and has the kindest of hearts. She is my best friend. At first I used to think that she preferred Peter to me but after that night my thoughts changed. She is very wise. I don't know what I would do without her.

My siblings wonder why I am so ill-tempered. Why can't they understand? They're not the ones who have been insulted all their life, who have been ill treated, who have been made to feel inferior, who have gone to the point of death and returned. They don't understand. That's why whenever anyone says anything to me, the past comes flowing back and that makes me want to cry. But I feel that crying shows weakness and I don't want anyone, especially Lucy, to worry over me crying. That wouldn't be fair. But unfortunately whenever I hide my tears it comes out in the form of anger. It's something I just cannot control.

Although Lucy found this out too.

* * *

_I am sitting in my room and staring at the sea, wondering when will be the next time I will be seeing Aslan. Suddenly I notice a piece of paper tied to the railing of my balcony. I walk over to it and unfold the piece of paper._

_**King Edmund,**_

_**This is a letter just to let you know that I am not your ally. I support the High King and the Queens greatly but not you. You are a traitor on the throne. I do not know how you became king but know this, if you ever attempt to harm His and Her Majesties or do anything of the sort we will make sure to finish you off.**_

_**Goodbye for now, False King!**_

"_Edmund?" Susan enters._

_I quickly fold the paper and put it away. "Yes Susan," I say._

"_You should have come down by now. Dinner time is almost over."_

"_I don't want to eat," I protest not willing to leave my room._

"_Please stop grumbling. Now come on!" she comes and pulls me along with her._

_I become quite annoyed and I still have not recovered from what I read. Nevertheless I find myself in the dining hall. Soon we sit down and I start stuffing food into my mouth._

"_Edmund! Have some manners will you? Really!" Susan complained. She is getting to the end of my patience._

"_Why the hell do you bother? Can't you just mind your own business?" I yell at her._

"_Edmund!" Peter shouts._

"_What's wrong with you now?" I ask turning to Peter."You do not understand me. All of you! I don't seem to be your brother at all. Peter, you are the eldest so you receive all the care and honour and love. Susan is famous for her beauty. Really, what do people see in her! She's not oh so beautiful at all. You do not bother the least bit of what I do. But when it comes to finding out my faults y'all are there. I hate it, I hate Narnia, I hate you Pete, I hate you Sus-" I am cut off by a slap. I turn to look at the source of it and find out that it's Peter. I see that Susan is on the edge of tears and Lucy is staring at me with wide eyes, just that she is not hurt but worried._

"_Remember Edmund, I promised you on the train that I would never hit you again, well, I take it back!" he says that and gets out of his chair. Today the dining hall is empty as there are no guests and the servants are at the Dryad's dancing ceremony. I try to take in what he just said and suddenly realize what he is about to do and my eyes widen with fear. He comes up to me and grabs a hold of the front of my tunic. I whimper as he shakes me violently. "HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO SUSAN?" he shouts. I look a way a bit ashamed. "LOOK AT ME EDMUND PEVENSIE!" I look at him all frightened and all. "I wish you did not exist. I wish you had died at the Battle," he says. When this reaches my ears my heart stops beating. This is not happening. He did not just say that. I feel tears prickling in my eyes but I do not give in. _

"_If you wish this so much, why did you save me at the Battle in Beruna? You could have let me die. You could have saved me from all the insults I have to hear. You could've saved me from the sufferings. But you didn't. Why didn't you!" I shout back. My voice is a bit sore._

"_SHUT UP! Just shut up!" Pete growls. Oh no! I never wanted to see this side of Peter. He uses it only when he is really angry. But I just spoke the truth. I don't see what's wrong in it. He connects his fist to my stomach and I groan out in pain. He hurls me to the ground. "Never say another word like that or it will be worse!" he shouts but they are too faint to me. I pull myself up and walk out of the room. I slam the door of my room behind me and curl up in the corner of my bed. How could he have said that. So what if I got angry?_

_A few minutes later I hear a soft knock on my door. The door opens and I see Lucy coming towards me, with a glass of water in her hands._

"_Edmund, are you alright?" she asks._

"_It's okay Lucy. I'm fine."_

_She gives me the glass of water and I drink it quickly._

"_Now, tell me, what is wrong? Why are you upset?" she asks._

_I wonder for a long time debating on whether or not to show her the piece of paper. I finally decide to tell her. "I found a piece of paper in the balcony today and I was upset when I read its contents, although I shouldn't have taken it out on them. It's alright Lucy, what Peter did was right. I needed that."_

_She places her hand on my shoulder. "What was written in it?"_

_I hand her the letter. After she reads it she seems to be shocked. "Oh Edmund, don't bother them. They are just people who do not think before they do anything. Don't worry about that letter." She hugs me tightly and I smile. It was the first time in that evening I smiled._

"_I will talk to Peter about it. What he did was completely unfair and don't bother Susan. She will come around I know it. Just promise me you will be fine."_

"_I will Lucy. But you don't need to tell him anything. If anything then just tell him I'm sorry."_

"_You don't need to worry about it."_

"_Thanks Lu!" I smile._

* * *

My anger seems to annoy them a lot. But Lucy she completely understood and said that she didn't mind it at all. I had wanted to kill myself a long time ago but I didn't for Lucy. But she can't be here with me anymore. She was away in the Lone Islands for a week. Today we received word that there was a violent storm and that after the shipwreck the Valiant Queen was no more. I really can't believe what I heard. She is no longer here but in Aslan's country. So I decided to join her. So here I stand today at Beruna about to fulfill my brother's wish. I remember all the good times I have had before my brother expressed his wish to me that day. Well, I hope I will be accepted in Alan's country.

After all I am a traitor and I am supposed to be dead.

I unsheathe my sword and am about to thrust it into my heart.

"Edmund!" I hear a voice and I drop my sword.

It is a voice I know so well; Lucy's sweet voice. But that's impossible isn't it? She's in Aslan's country. I turn around only to see darkness and nothing else. I start picking up my sword again but again I hear it.

"Don't! Please!" she says.

"Lucy?" I ask desperately trying to see her.

But I only feel the cold breeze of the night blow against my face.

"I want to, please Lu. I know I don't deserve to go to Aslan's country but I want to be with you. Please Lu, let me!"

"Edmund"

All of a sudden I see a flowing feature in front of me wearing a shining white dress. She comes towards me and I see the familiar face. "Lucy, you're alive!"

"No, Edmund I am not. I am here to stop you! You cannot join me as yet." Her voice seems so distant. But she's right here isn't she.

"Lu, I-I can't. I love you. I love you so much. Please don't go away. Please!" I can't help the sob that escapes me. She's my sister, or perhaps more than that. She is my life, my strength. I am nothing without her. Susan has abandoned us and Peter hardly ever talks to me. She's the only one I have got. "Please Lu!"

"Narnia needs you Ed! You mustn't abandon them. Peter needs you! You are their only hope. We will reunite when time comes but Edmund until then you mustn't give up hope. For me Edmund!" And her form starts to disappear.

"Please don't leave me. Please! Please!" I beg.

"In time Edmund"

"Aslan, please help me."

In response I hear a growl which gives me renewed strength. _For Lucy, for Narnia and for Aslan._ I sheath my sword and return home.

* * *

Twenty years have passed since her death and I haven't forgotten that. Narnia had lost both her Queens but I am sure Aslan knows what he is doing. I am now married to Queen Anastasia of Galma. I woke up very early this morning, so I went to the gardens very quietly so that I would not wake her up. The stars are still in the sky.

"Well done, brother. You have succeeded in returning peace to Narnia. You will be joining me soon!"

"Lu?"

"Yes, it is me. How is Anastasia faring? When will I get to see my nephew or niece?"

Oh yes, I guess I forgot this tiny detail. Narnia's going have an heir. "She's faring well. You are the one to talk. You show up after twenty years. Twenty years, can you imagine it? You owe me!" I say sarcastically.

"Well, the debt will be paid as soon as you arrive."

"I love you, Lu. Thank you for your support!" I hug her. She hugs me back but then suddenly she begins to fade away. Not again! Who knows when I will see her next?

As I return to the castle I take a last look at the empty spot where my sister stood only a few seconds ago. I smile. "Thank you Lucy. I hope I will be with you soon."

I feel a sudden warmth in me as if she heard it and is hugging me again. I am still a traitor but only a mended one. Life and Narnia have taught me a lot of things among which the most important is:

_Humans always make mistakes, sometimes bigger than the others, but it's up to us to mend it. Even traitors can mend. I know one that did. And life has a lot of obstacles. Sometimes all we can do is smile and go on._

I guess what I should think of is not who I used to be but who I am now. I am the King Edmund The Just of Narnia, Knight of the Stone Table, Duke of Lantern West, brother of High King Peter The Magnificent, Queen Susan The Gentle and Queen Lucy The Valiant, Son of Adam and a faithful subject of Aslan.

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**Well? How was it? A long one. It's a bit emotional but oh well. Please, please, please review. Thank you for reading.**

**Laterz!**

**OJSZ**


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